Donald Trump Wire Tapped My Phones

During the 2016 election season I wrote a lot of pieces outlining the ridiculousness of the Donald Trump candidacy. I pointed out that he is a rapist, a child molester, and a fucking clown. I addressed the fact that his supporters are fucking idiots, that his entire platform was based on a series of pinkie promises no one could ever keep in a democracy, and that his stump speeches sounded eerily like Hitler's.

I have heard from very credible sources that Donald Trump was very angry about my accusations and he determined to have my phones tapped. I will not cite those sources because, as our 'president' makes clear, that is not necessary.

I'd bet a good lawyer could make a great case out of the fact that a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic fake billionaire was tapping my phones last year prior to the election.

Of course, I might just be a big fat liar who makes up nonsense to stir up my base and distract them from my Russian connections. (I used to work with a guy named Igor and we flirted sometimes).

Fuck You BLOTUS

Kiss Kiss...
Mean Progressive

Abortion Party!

In less than a month I am going to turn 43. With every year that passes I assess the things I have yet to achieve in my life. When I was turning 40 my daughter treated me to a Buckeye game and that took care of the #1 item on my bucket list. Last year I was focused on the length of my bucket list and determined to narrow it a bit and put the Louvre at the top. Thanks to Marco Rubio, this year it occurs to me that the Louvre should not be at the top of my list. There will be time for travel later.

As much as I have always really wanted to have an abortion, I have never had the chance. I realize now what a missed opportunity I had when I was 19 and decided to give birth to my daughter. But who would have figured that would be my last chance in life? I was young and it seemed I had my whole life ahead of me. (Besides, I would have missed that Buckeye game). But now my time is surely running out. Sooner or later my parts are going to stop working and I won't even be able to get pregnant.

Help Me Get My Shirt!!!

The immediacy of my situation leaves me with only one solution: Abortion Party!

I am going to start really keeping track of my cycle and have men come visit me every day of the weeks I am fertile until I get the plus sign on that stick! Please sign up below. My requirements are few: able bodied men (at least able where it counts - wink), must provide your own transportation, must offer written doctor's proof of being disease-free, must be willing to leave immediately upon completion. That's it! If you are interested please let me know. I will begin inviting suitors next month. I look forward to meeting you all!!!

Party On!!!

As Marco Rubio was good enough to point out for us this week, abortions are something we all look forward to in life. There are some dreams that all little girls hold on to well into adulthood and, obviously, having an abortion is one of them. I have been with a loved one when she got to have an abortion. It seemed to be a terrible time for her because she was making herself sick over her it. I couldn't understand why she was torturing herself over something all women should celebrate, but she was very emotional and I made it my responsibility to care for her as best as I could. I figured it must have been the hormones pregnant women often experience.

When we went into the clinic to have the procedure there were a lot of very angry people outside screaming the most vile things at her. I am defensive of absolute strangers when they are being harassed, one can only imagine the rage that came over me as I was trying to understand and comfort her and protect her from their words, but my body and mind were compelled to commit violence in a way that was, frankly, foreign to me. I couldn't understand. Why were these people so angry? I could only conclude that these people are the ones who stand outside of weddings and harry the brides and grooms when they come out of their houses of worship after having been married. Some people will not allow the rest of us to enjoy anything in our lives!

Once we were inside, the waiting room was filled with women who were also having abortions because the clinic only performed them on Mondays. (I think on Tuesdays they do face lifts). Again, the joy one would expect to find on their faces and the excitement of being able to get this procedure in their lives seemed to be lost on them. Those women all seemed to be in a silent state of solemn contemplation that looked like sadness. Some of them were crying. It must've been a reflection only a woman can have if she has been able to be in their shoes and what I was seeing was really pride. Or euphoria. The tears must have been tears of joy. I suppose that since I have never had such a fulfilling experience it looked foreign to me and what I assumed was sadness or pain had to have been a misunderstanding on my part. Obviously.

Every woman there was accompanied by a loved one: a friend, sister, mother, husband, boyfriend. None of them seemed to be happy to be there, either. It was as if they were sad or lost. I wondered if I looked that way, too. I wondered if anyone looking at me would misunderstand me to seem distressed when what I was feeling was pure jealousy. Now that I look back at it, I'll bet that is what all of the loved ones in the waiting room were feeling. They were jealous, too. They had never been able to get this procedure done and go back to their daily lives to brag to all of their friends and co-workers or classmates about their big accomplishment.

Although it really was a somber morning with very few words spoken in the room beyond the nurse coming out to get a patient and take them to see the doctor, it felt like we all had an unspoken bond together in the silence. We were all there because we loved someone who found themselves in a situation they could not face alone. Of course, they could not face it alone because they couldn't drive afterward due to the anesthesia. So we all faced it together and prepared for the next phase in our lives where we would get in our cars and drive home. And then we would all continue this random Monday watching Ellen at 4pm, making dinner and playing a little Candy Crush before bed.

That was a really beautiful day for the both of us, I believe. We both grew and became stronger women for having had the experience. She is now a complete woman after reaching a milestone most of us strive toward. And I was offered genuine reflection about my own life's ambitions.

I need to get back to that time and put my priorities in order. I hope many of you will sign up and come visit me soon or refer friends to this site who might want to help me reach my goals.

Thank you in advance.

Kiss Kiss.
Mean Progressive



** My most sincere thanks to Bram from the show Social Spitball with Bram Sarkowski and Barbara Dee for helping me get the video of Rubio's latest folly cut for this piece. Please check out their show and their Facebook community People for the Ethical Treatment of Voters. Great lefties need great support!!! ***

Please support Planned Parenthood by donating here so more women can meet their goals in life:

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Dear Media: I Am Running for President!!

Dear Media:

I have decided to run for President and am inviting you to the kick-off announcement for my campaign. From what I gather in watching all of your coverage, it is a bad idea for a candidate from the left to have amassed any wealth. This is very encouraging for me. Not only am I not well off, but I live in a trailer park. I am hoping to kick my campaign off here this weekend. Although I do not ride a motorcycle like Scott Walker, the guy down the road, we call him Drunk Mike, has a motorcycle. I'll bet he would be glad to ride me through the park with a flag and maybe a bullhorn or something. Would you like to come cover that and ask the Americans who live here what they would like from a leader? Because you all spend so much time finding ways to discount positive economic news that comes out each month, I guess my neighborhood would be a true representation of an American community and its needs would be the perfect projection for your audience.

My neighbors have started a SuperPac to help me get started. They have already raised enough to pay for my internet through the election. I will be running the majority of my campaign online because I don't have a lot of money to pay for travel. You are all welcome to visit me here for interviews, though. Because my time and funds are so limited, however, I would like to get a few tips from you all before you come. I hope you don't mind taking the time to help me understand.

I guess its the campaigning itself that is confusing for me. I am a Democrat and I am a woman. I notice that all of the candidates on the right are men (aside from Fiorina who even you all don't seem to really be taking seriously) and are allowed to pretty much dictate which questions they answer. Will I be afforded that same courtesy? How does it work, exactly? It seems as if I just scowl and refuse to answer or change the subject you will back down. Or do I publicly condemn you for having a conservative bias and shame you into asking me the questions I want to answer? It seems kind of rude, honestly. I would really rather not have to do either. So if you could just stick with questions that are relevant to Americans, I think we would be fine.

Although the questions the candidates on the right seem to favor are those that they can turn into a tirade on Secretary Clinton, I would really rather you just focus on the issues I would like to tackle during my 4 or 8 years leading the country. I hope that you don't spend too much of our time together asking me to trash talk any of the other candidates. I could write you a book. Or a series of books, probably. Okay. I could actually write you a series of tomes, but the point is - if I have less than eighteen months to tell my fellow citizens how I envision our future, I would rather leave my diatribes for 2024.

I sincerely love my country. I guess that I am supposed to start there. From what you have reported to me, I am then supposed to tell America the reasons I love her. I should begin by defining my patriotism. Correct? Well, I do not believe in the idea of American Exceptionalism as those on the right keep defining it. I do hope that we can work toward being exceptional, however, and I have a lot of ideas about how to get us there. Frankly, it is hard to decide how to define my patriotism in a way that your audience will appreciate. It seems that everyone has been conditioned to believe that it is found in things I cannot understand. Please forgive my naivete if I do not come off patriotic. This is all new to me. So, this weekend you all reported that Secretary Clinton was condemned at a Joni Ernst fundraiser for having "Probably never ridden a John Deere," I have! So I am hoping you can report that to Americans for me. But, I am not sure if that experience is relevant as I have never walked to school in a downpour with Wonder Bread bags on my feet. Maybe we could get clarification before you report on that. I wouldn't want a cherished childhood memory of having steered the tractor from my granddady's lap to end up being maligned because my childhood had missed any other important milestones.

I believe that a lot of what Senator Sanders has been saying has been exactly what America needs to hear right now. The word 'socialist' has been bandied about, however, and that has been offered to us as a bad word. I certainly don't want any bad words attributed to me. Can we just stick with something like 'really really worried about taking care of all Americans' or something like that? It sounds a lot better, don't you think?

Of the many issues I am passionate about, the first that I would want to discuss is healthcare. People keep telling us that universal healthcare is a terrible thing. The only terrible things I would like to tell Americans are the horror stories of real people who are suffering because their state has decided to deny people coverage. I want them to know about how 850,000 Floridians have had their medical coverage taken away by their legislatures because they were deemed 'able bodied' even though the only way they can actually be so is by paying $4000/month to cover health costs to enable them to breathe. I am sure that, before Americans go to vote next year, they would want to know the very specific details about their candidates positions on this issue. Wouldn't you think so, as an American?

I am a proud feminist and would want to make women's issues a main focus of my campaign. I am concerned, however, because although I am aware of the rabid opinions those running on the right have espoused about women, I have never heard any in the media report on them. Are those the types of issues the media just doesn't like to cover? Unlike Mike Huckabee, I believe that women are quite capable of multi-tasking, even while on their periods. All of the candidates on the right have said they want to get rid of a woman's right to chose altogether. I would like to really have a discussion about that. Will you be willing to cover it? As yet, I have not heard the media cover any of their extreme ideas about women. It is hard to defend an argument when your audience hasn't even heard it. I hope you will understand this and start reporting on the things they say to their party so the rest of Americans can make an educated choice between my vision and theirs.

Like every other candidate on the left who has ever been interviewed, I believe that we should have laws to restrict gun use by those who have been deemed dangerous. Would you please make a point of specifically telling your audience that I am not interested in getting rid of the Second Amendment? In fact, I would even go a step farther and tell them that if they would stop the discourse about taking away the Constitutional rights of a woman to decide what to do with her own body, I would gladly see to it that they keep their Second Amendment. That seems fair. Then we could knock out two extreme conversations with one sentence and get back to things that the majority of Americans are actually concerned about.

I have been struggling to understand why there is so much coverage on Secretary Clinton in the media and so little on the many candidates on the right? Maybe because there are too many on the right you become overwhelmed and just focus on the left? I hope that my entry to the campaign doesn't create a field so large that it makes you decide to stop covering politics altogether. Information really is supposed to be the service that you give Americans and it would be a shame for you to give up before you even tried.

I lack the grace of President Obama and the experience of Secretary Clinton. I am easily frustrated and get quite defensive when I am dismissed or disrespected. I fear my campaign will end before it has a chance to really begin if you refuse to cover my campaign respectfully. You all are welcome to hours of commentary on what my platform is about. In fact, I would encourage that. Although my life will offer you more than enough truly tabloidesque moments to explore and exploit, I hope that you will keep that to a minimum. I think Americans would like to be able to discern my trustworthiness and intentions with little thought to whether or not I was a jackass as a teenager or took five years to get my two year college degree. My opinions are vastly different from those you have been offering to your audiences so I hope that will be enough to warrant your time and attention.

I'll see you this weekend!

Kiss kiss,

Mean Progressive

Lift the White Man's Burden

Lift the white man's burden.
Its weight is much too strong.
He's sacrificed for many.
And ignored himself too long.
The white man traveled 'round the world.
To civilize us all.
He taught us to accept him.
But now we must stand tall.

Lift the white man's burden.
His grip must be released.
He brought us to this moment.
We leave him now in peace.
Offer him your patience.
Offer him your grace.
As the white man moves along
Shame not his true disgrace.

Lift the white man's burden.
His curse is now his own.
The white man has a place to be.
This place is what he's sown.
What the white man created
Won't be reversed from here.
But his captives can move forward now.
And go forth free from fear.

To all the nations women:
Its time now that you stand.
Rule your body and your mind.
They'll have dictates by no man.
The needs of every woman
Can now be met alone.
She will create her future.
Where triumphs are her own.

To every person forced here:
The white man needs his time.
He's focused on your actions.
And forgotten his own crimes.
He gave you laws to live by.
He gave you names and deeds.
He ignored himself through all of this.
He must now take his leave.

To all of those with variance.
The white man now is done.
This place belongs to all of us.
Where judgments will be none.
No 'comply' demand needs answered.
No person now is small.
The white man has no means here
To define or rate us all.

Lift the white man's burden.
His collective has grown weak.
He does not know just why he's wrong.
Be wary of his pique.
The white man has confusions.
The white mans lost his way.
The white man will be fine, its true.
As his discontents allay.


In my own acknowledged arrogance, I tend to read any piece with my own interpretations as being the satisfaction of its understanding. Even in school when we were met with opposing ideas, I was content to stop at my own and ignore all others. It is who I am. I admit my short-sightedness but don't intend to change it this late in life. The following is a response to Rudyard Kipling's White Man's Burden. I do realize that this poem was initially met from two sides when it was published. Some found it to be sincere where others determined it was not. When I was young I desperately needed this poem to be sarcastic. No one could really be that arrogant, right? But now I see that the arrogance defined therein is pervasive even today. Our entire society is still based on a mentality of the universal "white man" who not only has the right to overtake any nation of 'heathens' he determines useful, but enslave its people and take claim to their land. Today that collective white man is still trying to invade other countries for their resources and 'civilize' its people. He still wants to pass laws that control the rest of us so we can fit into his mold and be civilized to his dictates. Id really rather not. Thankfully, I am not alone.

I spend none of my time believing I am a great poet. I am a bitch sometimes, though. So the above was a nice opportunity for the bitch inside of me to have a little fun. She thanks you. Kiss Kiss.