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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Abortion Party!

In less than a month I am going to turn 43. With every year that passes I assess the things I have yet to achieve in my life. When I was turning 40 my daughter treated me to a Buckeye game and that took care of the #1 item on my bucket list. Last year I was focused on the length of my bucket list and determined to narrow it a bit and put the Louvre at the top. Thanks to Marco Rubio, this year it occurs to me that the Louvre should not be at the top of my list. There will be time for travel later.

As much as I have always really wanted to have an abortion, I have never had the chance. I realize now what a missed opportunity I had when I was 19 and decided to give birth to my daughter. But who would have figured that would be my last chance in life? I was young and it seemed I had my whole life ahead of me. (Besides, I would have missed that Buckeye game). But now my time is surely running out. Sooner or later my parts are going to stop working and I won't even be able to get pregnant.

Help Me Get My Shirt!!!

The immediacy of my situation leaves me with only one solution: Abortion Party!

I am going to start really keeping track of my cycle and have men come visit me every day of the weeks I am fertile until I get the plus sign on that stick! Please sign up below. My requirements are few: able bodied men (at least able where it counts - wink), must provide your own transportation, must offer written doctor's proof of being disease-free, must be willing to leave immediately upon completion. That's it! If you are interested please let me know. I will begin inviting suitors next month. I look forward to meeting you all!!!

Party On!!!

As Marco Rubio was good enough to point out for us this week, abortions are something we all look forward to in life. There are some dreams that all little girls hold on to well into adulthood and, obviously, having an abortion is one of them. I have been with a loved one when she got to have an abortion. It seemed to be a terrible time for her because she was making herself sick over her it. I couldn't understand why she was torturing herself over something all women should celebrate, but she was very emotional and I made it my responsibility to care for her as best as I could. I figured it must have been the hormones pregnant women often experience.

When we went into the clinic to have the procedure there were a lot of very angry people outside screaming the most vile things at her. I am defensive of absolute strangers when they are being harassed, one can only imagine the rage that came over me as I was trying to understand and comfort her and protect her from their words, but my body and mind were compelled to commit violence in a way that was, frankly, foreign to me. I couldn't understand. Why were these people so angry? I could only conclude that these people are the ones who stand outside of weddings and harry the brides and grooms when they come out of their houses of worship after having been married. Some people will not allow the rest of us to enjoy anything in our lives!

Once we were inside, the waiting room was filled with women who were also having abortions because the clinic only performed them on Mondays. (I think on Tuesdays they do face lifts). Again, the joy one would expect to find on their faces and the excitement of being able to get this procedure in their lives seemed to be lost on them. Those women all seemed to be in a silent state of solemn contemplation that looked like sadness. Some of them were crying. It must've been a reflection only a woman can have if she has been able to be in their shoes and what I was seeing was really pride. Or euphoria. The tears must have been tears of joy. I suppose that since I have never had such a fulfilling experience it looked foreign to me and what I assumed was sadness or pain had to have been a misunderstanding on my part. Obviously.

Every woman there was accompanied by a loved one: a friend, sister, mother, husband, boyfriend. None of them seemed to be happy to be there, either. It was as if they were sad or lost. I wondered if I looked that way, too. I wondered if anyone looking at me would misunderstand me to seem distressed when what I was feeling was pure jealousy. Now that I look back at it, I'll bet that is what all of the loved ones in the waiting room were feeling. They were jealous, too. They had never been able to get this procedure done and go back to their daily lives to brag to all of their friends and co-workers or classmates about their big accomplishment.

Although it really was a somber morning with very few words spoken in the room beyond the nurse coming out to get a patient and take them to see the doctor, it felt like we all had an unspoken bond together in the silence. We were all there because we loved someone who found themselves in a situation they could not face alone. Of course, they could not face it alone because they couldn't drive afterward due to the anesthesia. So we all faced it together and prepared for the next phase in our lives where we would get in our cars and drive home. And then we would all continue this random Monday watching Ellen at 4pm, making dinner and playing a little Candy Crush before bed.

That was a really beautiful day for the both of us, I believe. We both grew and became stronger women for having had the experience. She is now a complete woman after reaching a milestone most of us strive toward. And I was offered genuine reflection about my own life's ambitions.

I need to get back to that time and put my priorities in order. I hope many of you will sign up and come visit me soon or refer friends to this site who might want to help me reach my goals.

Thank you in advance.

Kiss Kiss.
Mean Progressive

** My most sincere thanks to Bram from the show Social Spitball with Bram Sarkowski and Barbara Dee for helping me get the video of Rubio's latest folly cut for this piece. Please check out their show and their Facebook community People for the Ethical Treatment of Voters. Great lefties need great support!!! ***

Please support Planned Parenthood by donating here so more women can meet their goals in life:


  1. I would like a similar T-shirt that read "I support every woman's right to chose" -- as there is not enough room to have the t-shirt imprinted : If man could become pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. Good essay!

    1. Yes Arthur! That would be a perfect shirt. Maybe the phrase could go on the back and you could tell people to kiss off while you are coming or going!

  2. I am so glad I read the whole essay. I definitely will be following you!

    1. Thank you so much! ;) I am glad that you stuck around, too. I appreciate your support!

  3. Could you put me down for 2:00 next Tuesday Angie. Since I am trying to help all the women I can to fulfill that dream that is the only time I have have open for the next month and a half! I'll be looking forward to it. Kiss kiss to you too! Sonny

    1. Sonny I will put you down. I look forward to your visit and thank you for your generosity. :) If only all men were as good as you and could step up when it was truly necessary!

    2. I just do what I can Angie. By the way, I had a 3:00 PM cancellation Monday if that would be better for you.

  4. Replies
    1. Whatever makes you comfortable. If you think anyone would write a piece compelling men to come fuck them so they can get pregnant and finally have the abortion they've always dreamed of having, then - no. This is 100% real and not remotely satirical.