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Sunday, December 31, 2017

#MeToo (delayed)

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When the #MeToo movement started in October I was in the hospital where I spent the better part of a month. When I got home and heard about it I knew I had something to write. But dealing with the collapse of so many of the remaining pieces of my life, I was distracted and not sure I even wanted to allow my brain to go there. To be honest, I've been writing the piece for over a year now in my head; trying to find the words and the strength. As we painfully crawl into 2018, I want to get it out and seek the closure I deserve.

As is common, I blamed myself for a lot of what happened. As is also common, I had blocked a lot of it, as well. Last year when the Trump video was released, allowing us to all hear him proudly proclaim himself as a sexual assailant, I was physically ill. As the media felt it necessary to play the video ad nauseam, I started having flashbacks. I feel confident hundreds of thousands of women and men had similar experiences of being retraumatized.

I was 16 when I was assaulted. I came home drunk from what my parents expected to have been a night out with one of my friends. They were not shocked that I was drunk, all of their kids partied to the extreme. The were certainly surprised, however, to find that my underwear had been left on the gate going into our back yard. I wasn't even going to tell them what happened until my dad brought them in. I was always shy about sex and my parents weren't the type of people you could talk to about important things. For fucks sake, when I got my first period I came home from school to find a box of pads and a book about my body on my bed. That was as much as either of them could try to talk about my period. How could I possibly tell them I was raped? I wasn't even sure that I was raped. I had chosen to drink so it was probably my fault. I'm pretty good at taking the responsibility for others' actions. It feels safer to do that in my mind. Then I can be responsible for fixing it. Of course, rape isn't something you can fix.

I was wrecked when my dad showed me my underwear. I snotty face cried before I could even get the words out to explain the evening. I HAD gone out with one of my girlfriends. Her boyfriend was driving and we ended up at a bonfire where this other dude came out with us. He rode in the back seat with me and was hitting on me. I was not remotely interested in him. I had a type and preppie jock was the exact opposite of the kind of man I would've wanted to hang out with. I remember finally realizing he was hitting on me (it always takes me a ridiculous amount of time to piece that together). I chose just to ignore him and carry on a conversation with my friend and her boyfriend in the front seat. We continued to get drunk and he continued to hit on me. He became more aggressive and I gave him the traditional Angie-style response to bullshit. I shut him down with plenty of profanity and was quite proud of myself for using words he obviously didn't understand. Yeah. I'm a snob. I'm okay with that. At least I'm not a rapist.

As the evening progressed and we both got more drunk, he randomly tried different approaches. He said he was sorry for being a dick (great you're a creep and still not my type). He tried inching closer to me in the back seat as if I was too stupid to realize he was doing it. He eventually just made his move. I was stunned and horrified. I was still a virgin. The year prior I broke up with my boyfriend for going up my shirt. I didn't even let him just be sorry and promise not to do it again or until I was ready. I just broke up with him.

I pushed him away and called him names for a while, but in my horror and feeling powerless because he was stronger than I was, I caved. I didn't actually participate. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even have known how to. But I didn't end up stopping him anyway. When you're a 16 year old virgin in a society that doesn't educate young women and men about rape, its your fault.

Of course I didn't go to the police. I didn't know it was illegal, exactly. I didn't even know what happened or how to put it into words. It was awful. I knew that. I felt gross. I felt shame. I felt ruined. My inability to even get a look of acknowledgement from my parents left me in a place where I wasn't even able to feel what I should  have - anger. The following Monday I finally graduated to anger. When we got to school the rumors were all over that he had fucked me. I didn't know what rape was but I knew that wasn't "sex." Whatever that was wasn't what happens in the movies. That wasn't sweet. That wasn't romantic. That was aggressive and mildly violent. For the next 2 years I didn't pass him at a party or in the hallway without saying, loudly enough for anyone to hear, that he did not have sex with me. He always countered by saying we did. Asshole.

I finally felt vindicated when he showed up at my graduation party (right?) and I screamed at him for even showing up and demanding he tell people the truth. He said we didn't have sex in that tone that basically says "here - let me say words to appease you and shut you up." That was enough for me, sadly. I had spent the last 2 years trying to get him to admit we hadn't had sex because the truth of what happened, which I should've been compelling him to admit, was too much for me to even admit to myself.

I googled him last year when the Access Hollywood video was released. He is a judge now. A fucking judge. The statute of limitations is far exceeded or I would want to sue him and force the jurisdiction he presides in to review every case he has ever heard about rape, domestic violence, etc.

Had I not had to witness the video of that grotesque monster repeatedly bragging about being a sexual assailant last year, I might still not have ever put it into context. Its easier to not think about it. Its easier not to deal with it. Besides, what good does it do me to dredge up even more pain from my childhood when I haven't been able to find a way to deal with any of the rest of it? Answer: Every good. It does good to add my voice to the countless women and men who have come forward to demand better of our society. It does good to allow myself to be a victim/survivor rather than mired in guilt and blame. It does good because I am now able to say, "fuck my parents and their complacent, willful ignorance of the human being I was." And THAT helps me to embrace the human being I was and love her, and myself today, a little more.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Donald Trump Wire Tapped My Phones

During the 2016 election season I wrote a lot of pieces outlining the ridiculousness of the Donald Trump candidacy. I pointed out that he is a rapist, a child molester, and a fucking clown. I addressed the fact that his supporters are fucking idiots, that his entire platform was based on a series of pinkie promises no one could ever keep in a democracy, and that his stump speeches sounded eerily like Hitler's.

I have heard from very credible sources that Donald Trump was very angry about my accusations and he determined to have my phones tapped. I will not cite those sources because, as our 'president' makes clear, that is not necessary.

I'd bet a good lawyer could make a great case out of the fact that a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic fake billionaire was tapping my phones last year prior to the election.

Of course, I might just be a big fat liar who makes up nonsense to stir up my base and distract them from my Russian connections. (I used to work with a guy named Igor and we flirted sometimes).


Kiss Kiss...
Mean Progressive

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Let's Rein In The Women

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See Tweet Here

Today on A.M. Joy, Jehmu Greene said that the man who said he wants to 'rein women in' was Sam Ronan, who is running to lead the DNC. His entire narrative is a tiresome rehashing of the fauxgressive talking points during and after the primaries. He believes the left can be reformed if it determines that Sanders' entire mantra be embraced. The poor forgotten white man is still a central point. No, he never mentions the white man, he just says the failure of the left is having forgotten the working class. This, of course, was the same talking point Sanders used to draw the same misguided correlation.

The bullshit projected there and adopted by the media on the left is painful. I remember vividly last summer when Hillary Clinton was holding rallies in Pennsylvania about her jobs plans and MSNBC broke into her speech to see if she was replying to the fact that Trump had started a fight with Khizr Khan on Twitter. When they determined that what she was talking about wasn't remotely tabloidesque, they cut away from her rally speech and went back to the punditry banter over all manner of nonsense wholly unimportant to the working class voters, and everyone else.

Hillary Clinton had an amazing platform for the working class to raise wages, lower taxes, protect our unions, strengthen small businesses, and every other damned thing you would expect from a REAL Progressive platform. Thoughtfully compare that to Sanders' platform which was focused more on outlining the issues American workers face than defining any actual plans (or means of funding them) for progress.

Clinton traveled the country giving Americans her vision for our future and how to move forward. The fact that every American didn't make it to a rally to hear that vision is not her failing, nor theirs. It is the failure of both the media who found ad buys more enticing than our democracy, and the fauxgressives who spent their time demanding both sides were rotten and only Saint Bernard could save the world. Don't fucking get me started ... there is little chance I will ever stop.

ANYWAY .... Back to my point.

The same people who project the image of the forgotten working class white man are the same people who remind us that 53% of white women voted for Trump. Pause and reflect. If a majority of white women aren't voting as Democrats, isn't it just slightly indicative of an issue speaking to women? And why might that be? I would say if a fauxgressive who is seeking to lead the party spends time thinking out loud that women need to be reined in, we have found a good place to start our reflection.

Of course real Progressives want to move women forward. Of course real Progressives believe in income equality. Of course real Progressives believe a woman should have the ONLY say in her reproductive and family planning choices. But if our party can be hijacked by a group proudly led by a man who writes rape fantasies and can dismiss them as being satirical while ignoring women during the entire campaign, maybe the party has a lot more work to do for the women who are being condemned for not hearing the message. It sounds to me like they probably have. The message they hear is the message our society projects - women need to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down. Women have all of the rights they need. And of course, women have destroyed the Democratic party. Do you think that's a stretch? Name me one Democrat who was maligned over the last two years who also has a cock. Thanks.

I will conclude my tirade by reminding you that most women on the left are what I call 'universal mothers.' You don't have to be a mother to be a universal mother. I sincerely believe it is inherent. Universal mothers are those of us who see every issue as a personal issue because they hit all of our children. We demand that the myriad concerns of true Progressives (those which the fauxgressives demand have been too distracting and alienated the white men) are all personal to us. We are fighting for LGBTQ, Black Lives Matter, immigrants, Muslims, campus rape victims, education, disability rights, gun control, mental health coverage, climate change, health care reform, criminal justice reform, etc. These are the issues that America's children face. And America's children are all our children.

If someone wants to lead the Democratic party to a place where 53% of white women aren't voting against their own interests, it would be in the interest of the Democratic leadership to remind themselves, so they can project that reminder to American women, that ALL OF THESE ISSUES are a sincere and beloved facet of our party. If our leadership can spend time denouncing them, they can hardly spend their time reminding American women why these issues are so important.

Trust me, the white man will be just fine. I'm sure having had unchecked privilege throughout our entire history is very comforting and the idea of allowing others to move into the foreground is unsettling. The objective of a REAL Progressive movement would consider it their responsibility to better explain the genuine necessity of inclusion instead of finding ways to counter it. No single aspect of our platform should be hindered to make anyone else more comfortable. And this woman is here to tell you, any motherfucker who believes women need to be reined in needs to exit stage right. Immediately.

Kiss Kiss...

Mean Progressive