#MeToo (delayed)

When the #MeToo movement started in October I was in the hospital where I spent the better part of a month. When I got home and heard about it I knew I had something to write. But dealing with the collapse of so many of the remaining pieces of my life, I was distracted and not sure I even wanted to allow my brain to go there. To be honest, I've been writing the piece for over a year now in my head; trying to find the words and the strength. As we painfully crawl into 2018, I want to get it out and seek the closure I deserve.

As is common, I blamed myself for a lot of what happened. As is also common, I had blocked a lot of it, as well. Last year when the Trump video was released, allowing us to all hear him proudly proclaim himself as a sexual assailant, I was physically ill. As the media felt it necessary to play the video ad nauseam, I started having flashbacks. I feel confident hundreds of thousands of women and men had similar experiences of being retraumatized.

I was 16 when I was assaulted. I came home drunk from what my parents expected to have been a night out with one of my friends. They were not shocked that I was drunk, all of their kids partied to the extreme. The were certainly surprised, however, to find that my underwear had been left on the gate going into our back yard. I wasn't even going to tell them what happened until my dad brought them in. I was always shy about sex and my parents weren't the type of people you could talk to about important things. For fucks sake, when I got my first period I came home from school to find a box of pads and a book about my body on my bed. That was as much as either of them could try to talk about my period. How could I possibly tell them I was raped? I wasn't even sure that I was raped. I had chosen to drink so it was probably my fault. I'm pretty good at taking the responsibility for others' actions. It feels safer to do that in my mind. Then I can be responsible for fixing it. Of course, rape isn't something you can fix.

I was wrecked when my dad showed me my underwear. I snotty face cried before I could even get the words out to explain the evening. I HAD gone out with one of my girlfriends. Her boyfriend was driving and we ended up at a bonfire where this other dude came out with us. He rode in the back seat with me and was hitting on me. I was not remotely interested in him. I had a type and preppie jock was the exact opposite of the kind of man I would've wanted to hang out with. I remember finally realizing he was hitting on me (it always takes me a ridiculous amount of time to piece that together). I chose just to ignore him and carry on a conversation with my friend and her boyfriend in the front seat. We continued to get drunk and he continued to hit on me. He became more aggressive and I gave him the traditional Angie-style response to bullshit. I shut him down with plenty of profanity and was quite proud of myself for using words he obviously didn't understand. Yeah. I'm a snob. I'm okay with that. At least I'm not a rapist.

As the evening progressed and we both got more drunk, he randomly tried different approaches. He said he was sorry for being a dick (great you're a creep and still not my type). He tried inching closer to me in the back seat as if I was too stupid to realize he was doing it. He eventually just made his move. I was stunned and horrified. I was still a virgin. The year prior I broke up with my boyfriend for going up my shirt. I didn't even let him just be sorry and promise not to do it again or until I was ready. I just broke up with him.

I pushed him away and called him names for a while, but in my horror and feeling powerless because he was stronger than I was, I caved. I didn't actually participate. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even have known how to. But I didn't end up stopping him anyway. When you're a 16 year old virgin in a society that doesn't educate young women and men about rape, its your fault.

Of course I didn't go to the police. I didn't know it was illegal, exactly. I didn't even know what happened or how to put it into words. It was awful. I knew that. I felt gross. I felt shame. I felt ruined. My inability to even get a look of acknowledgement from my parents left me in a place where I wasn't even able to feel what I should  have - anger. The following Monday I finally graduated to anger. When we got to school the rumors were all over that he had fucked me. I didn't know what rape was but I knew that wasn't "sex." Whatever that was wasn't what happens in the movies. That wasn't sweet. That wasn't romantic. That was aggressive and mildly violent. For the next 2 years I didn't pass him at a party or in the hallway without saying, loudly enough for anyone to hear, that he did not have sex with me. He always countered by saying we did. Asshole.

I finally felt vindicated when he showed up at my graduation party (right?) and I screamed at him for even showing up and demanding he tell people the truth. He said we didn't have sex in that tone that basically says "here - let me say words to appease you and shut you up." That was enough for me, sadly. I had spent the last 2 years trying to get him to admit we hadn't had sex because the truth of what happened, which I should've been compelling him to admit, was too much for me to even admit to myself.

I googled him last year when the Access Hollywood video was released. He is a judge now. A fucking judge. The statute of limitations is far exceeded or I would want to sue him and force the jurisdiction he presides in to review every case he has ever heard about rape, domestic violence, etc.

Had I not had to witness the video of that grotesque monster repeatedly bragging about being a sexual assailant last year, I might still not have ever put it into context. Its easier to not think about it. Its easier not to deal with it. Besides, what good does it do me to dredge up even more pain from my childhood when I haven't been able to find a way to deal with any of the rest of it? Answer: Every good. It does good to add my voice to the countless women and men who have come forward to demand better of our society. It does good to allow myself to be a victim/survivor rather than mired in guilt and blame. It does good because I am now able to say, "fuck my parents and their complacent, willful ignorance of the human being I was." And THAT helps me to embrace the human being I was and love her, and myself today, a little more.

Dear Media: Patriarchy Is Not A Necessity

You know what? When I started my Dear Media: series last year I never thought it would be a series. I just figured I would write that one piece to shine the light on the missteps of you, our media, and you would have a revelation. I'm adorable, it's true. I can hardly help it - I came this way.

Over the last two days all media have covered, to one extent or another, Donald Trumps assault on Secretary Clinton because her husband cheated on her. It wasn't enough, apparently, to cover the story. You all needed to harry Clinton to try to get a response from her. After having realized she is above such nonsense, you just determined to discuss it among yourselves. Fucking INCREDIBLE.

Once again, you are asking Trump to drive your narrative. How embarrassing.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is a rapist. When that was added to the public discourse last summer, no one wanted to touch it. I wrote about your complete dismissal of the topic here but I'm not anyone the general public is going to find and read. It was your responsibility to tell the American voters about how he treats women. If he won the election, he would be in quite a unique position to steer the rights of women. Wouldn't that be an important element of the vetting expected of our media?

And today, instead of taking the opportunity to question the motives of an obvious misogynist and inform about his own treatment of women, you further victimize a woman by asking her to comment on her husbands infidelity. Repeatedly. Are you comfortable with the patriarchy you perpetuate? It is your choice, after all. You could aspire to better. I'm sure your mothers would appreciate it if you tried harder. Right now they're probably all pretty disgusted. I sure as hell would be.


Shame on YOU!  ... Mean Progressive

Woody Allen Deserves No Quarter

Last night Bill Maher was quick to support Woody Allen when they were discussing the Bill Cosby rape allegations. Maher said that he would offer 'quarter' to Allen and insinuated that his accuser (Mia Farrow) had a personal reason to make accusations and that it was different. I make few distinctions between rapists and child molesters. It is hard for me to believe that any thoughtful person could with what we do know about Allen, regardless of whether or not he was ever found guilty.

It always disgusts me to hear Woody Allen celebrated. Do we not have enough off-beat comedic talents that we can't spare just one? The fact that he has maintained his career and continues to draw the biggest celebrities to be in his movies is, frankly, disturbing. The charges of molestation against his own adopted daughter, Dylan, were never filed in 1992 by the prosecutor who cited that there was potential for instability during a trial due to the child accusers instability. Their having gone unfiled had nothing to do with credibility or evidence. I don't need those charges to be true to loathe him, however. I find his lacking morality cause enough to believe the child and find him repulsive.

When Allen started his affair with Soon-Yi, not only was he supposed to have been her father-figure, but he was in a relationship with her mother. Her mother discovered the affair by finding naked photos of her daughter taken by Allen. Obviously this discovery precipitated the end of their family. That is a lot of weight for any child, but especially an adoptee, to bear. And how long had the relationship been going on? His having had the affair and then advising her to keep their secret is not only a blatant disregard for the family of which they were both members, but overt evidence of grooming techniques attributed to pedophiles. He destroyed the security of Soon-Yi and all of her adopted brothers and sisters. Whatever role or bond that each of the family members was meant to have had was made irrelevant and completely destroyed. Imagine explaining to a child that their sister would now be having the relationship that their mother had had with the man who had been their father-figure, and actual father to one, Ronan. (but I'm still pulling for that Sinatra rumor to be true).

Of course, he reminds everyone that he was neither her legal father nor biological. Right. No, sure. That makes sense. Never mind the fact that you were the father-figure in her home from the age of 10; or that you knew her as a young, broken and vulnerable child acclimating to a new country, language, home and family. There is no rational way for that familial relationship to ever gravitate into a romantic one. It was your responsibility as a guardian to make her feel safe in her new life. Piece of shit.

If society can accept this behavior, adoption should be outlawed because every child's emotional development and stability are at risk. If these are the mindsets of those raising our adopted children, how are they supposed to grow up strong with self-respect; with a feeling of connectedness and security? As best I can tell, the only accessory that never goes out of style in Hollywood is the adopted child. But they line up to kiss his ass. Does no one look at their own family and question what type of monster Allen must be? I believe in the goodness of people. I believe everyone deserves a chance until they give you a reason to question their character. I believe Allen has more than gone out of his way to prove his own repulsive character. As long as Hollywood continues to revere him, they bare their own character, as well.

Read My Lips: No New Bushes

I am a woman. And a Liberal. As such, I am outraged and disgusted by the entire Conservative field of Presidential hopefuls for 2016. For some reason, however, Jeb Bush is the most offensive to me. All of the other candidates on the right are overtly pandering to the radicals of their party by repeating hateful rhetoric for all who don't meet their restricted standards for 'patriots.' Jeb is waiting for them to whittle the field because they will all count one another out and leave him alone as the more centrist candidate. Of course, those of us who actually pay attention know there is nothing centrist about him (or Walker, Kasich or any of the others who will be peddled out later). He, like the rest, has shown actual disdain for women.

Last week Jeb Bush was publicly outed for having written a book and passing a law in the 90s to literally shame unwed mothers. He responded by telling America that he had evolved. An evolution of ideas and understandings is a beautiful thing; I dare say it means one is being Progressive. And it is something he managed to prove the Conservatives are still unable to do in his response. As he is seemingly unaware, having put the world 'evolved' into his sentence didn't actually mean that he has. The remaining part of the quote was, "In fact, since 1995 ... this book was a book about cultural indicators [and] the country has moved in the wrong direction. We have a 40-plus percent out-of-wedlock birth rate."

Right. Jeb not only failed to back track on his position, he managed to wax poetic about his own prophetic insistence on where our culture was headed. He fails to even consider that maybe his idea of a perfect family might be just a bit narrow. He believes that a family is incomplete and children cannot have "lives of purpose and meaning" in a single parent home. I feel pretty confident that my daughter, who is now grown and in her senior year of college, would disagree. I bet there are scores of millions of children who would disagree. Of course, my child was never arrested for public intoxication or trying to illegally obtain prescription drugs, either. So I guess there are some lessons Jeb could've taught my daughter that she missed out on. I'll just have to hope she turns out okay in the end.

A lot has been made about Jeb Bush or Secretary Clinton potentially being nominated as a part of a dynasty. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. We had Theodore Roosevelt and then Franklin D. If we could have then had Eleanor, the niece of Theodore and wife of Franklin, that would've been a beautiful revelation for the country. On myriad levels. I imagine we would be a much healthier nation if that could've happened. But, of course, it never did so having fantasies about where we could be now is irrelevant. The Bush legacy, however, is a terrifying prospect. Honestly.

I'm sorry, but if you enter a campaign with a running mate who cannot spell the word 'potato(e?)' history cannot be expected to remember you kindly. Are we meant to have already forgotten all about George H W Bush's failed presidency where he waited less than 18 months for his proposal to negate his campaign slogan of "No New Taxes"? Or his veto of the Civil Rights Act of 1990? And then, I suppose, we should also forget the fact that the first war in Iraq was his creation and offered a singular objective for Bush 43 to complete once the Supreme Court and Florida (ehem) handed him to us as our President.

The George W Bush presidency. Sigh. Do I have to? 9/11. Iraq war. Katrina. That funny 'lock box' came up empty. Deregulating banks. I can't do this. Remembering him gives me hives (not kidding). Here follow this link if you are made of stronger metal than I obviously am.

Jeb Bush seems to want us to forget about his family legacy. He tells us he is his own man. But he also told us that those advising him on foreign policy were many who had advised his father and his brother. And, possibly even more terrifying, in May, when asked who would be on his team of advisers he listed his brother George. Absolutely! Have a quiet moment with that vision.

Jeb's arrogance has been acknowledged repeatedly during the last six months with his unwillingness to answer questions and behaving as if he has already won the nomination. It must be pretty profound if he thinks he is going to tell America that he wants his brother to help him on foreign policy and believe that we will not begin crawling out of our own skin. Or, just maybe there is something to the recent scientific breakthrough of the 'stupid gene.'

No matter the reason, I feel confident that his own legacy as a governor and that of his family will keep him away from the general election. I doubt he will even make it through the primaries, either. Then we can have more time to bathe in the insanity of the nominees who have even less tact than Jeb and who you don't even have to search for sound bites to embarrass. Won't that be fun?

Lift the White Man's Burden

Lift the white man's burden.
Its weight is much too strong.
He's sacrificed for many.
And ignored himself too long.
The white man traveled 'round the world.
To civilize us all.
He taught us to accept him.
But now we must stand tall.

Lift the white man's burden.
His grip must be released.
He brought us to this moment.
We leave him now in peace.
Offer him your patience.
Offer him your grace.
As the white man moves along
Shame not his true disgrace.

Lift the white man's burden.
His curse is now his own.
The white man has a place to be.
This place is what he's sown.
What the white man created
Won't be reversed from here.
But his captives can move forward now.
And go forth free from fear.

To all the nations women:
Its time now that you stand.
Rule your body and your mind.
They'll have dictates by no man.
The needs of every woman
Can now be met alone.
She will create her future.
Where triumphs are her own.

To every person forced here:
The white man needs his time.
He's focused on your actions.
And forgotten his own crimes.
He gave you laws to live by.
He gave you names and deeds.
He ignored himself through all of this.
He must now take his leave.

To all of those with variance.
The white man now is done.
This place belongs to all of us.
Where judgments will be none.
No 'comply' demand needs answered.
No person now is small.
The white man has no means here
To define or rate us all.

Lift the white man's burden.
His collective has grown weak.
He does not know just why he's wrong.
Be wary of his pique.
The white man has confusions.
The white mans lost his way.
The white man will be fine, its true.
As his discontents allay.


In my own acknowledged arrogance, I tend to read any piece with my own interpretations as being the satisfaction of its understanding. Even in school when we were met with opposing ideas, I was content to stop at my own and ignore all others. It is who I am. I admit my short-sightedness but don't intend to change it this late in life. The following is a response to Rudyard Kipling's White Man's Burden. I do realize that this poem was initially met from two sides when it was published. Some found it to be sincere where others determined it was not. When I was young I desperately needed this poem to be sarcastic. No one could really be that arrogant, right? But now I see that the arrogance defined therein is pervasive even today. Our entire society is still based on a mentality of the universal "white man" who not only has the right to overtake any nation of 'heathens' he determines useful, but enslave its people and take claim to their land. Today that collective white man is still trying to invade other countries for their resources and 'civilize' its people. He still wants to pass laws that control the rest of us so we can fit into his mold and be civilized to his dictates. Id really rather not. Thankfully, I am not alone.

I spend none of my time believing I am a great poet. I am a bitch sometimes, though. So the above was a nice opportunity for the bitch inside of me to have a little fun. She thanks you. Kiss Kiss.