Dear Media: Rape Is A Thing

Fox has a right-wing cable channel with the word 'news' in its title and demands it has no political bias. This is laughable to every single person in the country who knows the definition of the word 'bias' (which obviously excludes their audience). The left has MSNBC. They never try to dismiss allegations that their commentary comes from the left, however they maintain credibility because they never contend to be something other than they are or make stories out of thin air to create and perpetuate hate or fear in their audience. For some reason, MSNBC feels the need to alienate their audience and offer us a regressive perspective for their morning show, Morning Joe. Its host, Joe Scarborough, is a former Congressman from Florida and his co-host, Mika Brzezinski, is supposed to offer us a perspective from the left.

Sadly, as with my previous condemnations of ABC, MSNBC has gone out of its way to offer American women an unhealthy representation of strong women. Brzezinski is adamant about being a leader for women. She recently wrote a book called "Know Your Value" and started a nationwide tour to teach American women just how to rise and be strong. Meanwhile, every morning she shows us a woman with no backbone who seems quite content with her place as the nodding head next to its superstar from the Regressive Party. She calls herself a feminist while giggling to the boys and literally defining women as the subordinate creatures we were meant to be in the 50s where the men on the show ignore her cutesy little remarks when she tries to speak about politics as if its adorable that she thinks she knows what is going on.

In July, in a long series of unsettling opportunities Brzezinski has taken to rally with the host and any guests about myriad unfounded (later proven to be untrue) rumors about Secretary Clinton, she gave a disgusted and dismissive start to a discussion about the recently released rape allegations against Donald Trump by the Daily Beast. She didn't want to hear about it.

The question of the rape, itself, was not relevant for discussion on Morning Joe. The story the crew offered us was about the reply from Trump's attorney where he literally said that "by the very definition, you can't rape your spouse." (I suppose in their dark world, when a man is married he can pretty much do whatever he wants to his wife and she has no say in it). He then threatened the author of the piece (a woman) in a manner so crude that no feminist or human being should consider lightly, and ended in a sentence which actually sounded like a threat of rape to her. The whole thing was ridiculous to Brzezinski. She passionately feigned disgust when the co-author and editor, Tim Mak of the Daily Beast, came on and then she rolled her eyes while shaking her head. Scarborough even pointed out that he would protect the editor from Mika, because she was so pissed about the fact that rape allegations would be offered about Trump.

Mak pointed out that the reply from Trumps attorney said that spousal rape isn't illegal and Brzezinski literally dismissed him and cut him off saying,"Great. Thank you." Hey Mika, kindly never tell your audience that you want women to know their value while you refuse to hear the story and refuse to take the opportunity to remind your audience that in fact, spousal rape is a thing. And that it is not only deplorable, but illegal. That discussion concluded with Scarborough explaining to America that the reason many good people don't run for political positions is because they are afraid of terrible lies like these coming out about them.

The Morning Joe team never even discussed the actual allegations of the story and why they are incredibly important for Americans to hear. Thankfully, MSNBC was good enough to offer its audience an interview with the author of the piece, Brandy Zadrozny, the night before where she explained the relevance of the story on The Last Word With Lawrence O'Donnell. O'Donnell was uncharacteristically offensive, however, because he was looking for reasons to remind his audience that the victim in the case, Ivana Trump, still has a friendship with Donald Trump all of these years later. He reminded us that when many marriages end the spouses can still get along for the sake of the children. Thanks for the reminder, Lawrence. That happens with a lot of survivors who are just glad to get out of the cross hairs of bullies. Trump has proudly offered us proof that he is a bully. He tells us that he goes out of his way to be nice to people who are nice to him. Exactly. Bullies often do that. They also, as Trump does, remind us about what happens when they are crossed. Trump makes sure we know that. He had a television show where the objective was for him to be a bully. No woman who left a man like that, with the status and power that he has, would dare speak out about him.

If Trump has shown us anything in the last several months it is that he will absolutely not abide any betrayal (either real or imagined) and if anyone spends a moment of their time thinking he wouldn't do whatever he could to bury this story, they are living in a world completely devoid of reality. Only the article, which no one seems interested in discussing, and O'Donnells show in July offered us insight into what that bully is capable of.

The only time that Ivana Trump testified under oath about the event she called it rape. The entire scene was violent. He yanked fistfuls of hair from her head. The testimony from her friends that O'Donnell couldn't even say on the air was "He tore off her clothes and unzipped his pants. 'Then he jams his penis inside her for the first time in more than sixteen months.'" When she later recanted (through Trumps attorney) this was the statement:

“During a deposition given by me in connection with my matrimonial case, I stated that my husband had raped me,” the Ivana Trump statement said. “[O]n one occasion during 1989, Mr. Trump and I had marital relations in which he behaved very differently toward me than he had during our marriage. As a woman, I felt violated, as the love and tenderness, which he normally exhibited towards me, was absent. I referred to this as a ‘rape,’ but I do not want my words to be interpreted in a literal or criminal sense.”

As with terrorism when the actor is neither foreign nor a Muslim, the media is really desperate to find new words to define rape. Both the word rape in the initial testimony and the account above is offensive and demands further scrutiny. If no one can admit that this updated account sounds like an attempt to minimize rape, they have no business calling themselves a journalist whose sole responsibility is to inform their audience, regardless of who is going to get pissed after you do. Finally, the divorce was granted on the grounds of Donald Trump's "cruel and inhuman treatment' of Ivana. That should trigger someone into thinking deeply about both his respect for women and the possibility of his being their President.

After the divorce, when she was finally away from him and was under a gag order, she changed her story to say that it was an emotional rape. And no one wants to discuss the fact that every single thing she said the week that the story broke in July to defend Trump had to actually be approved by him because of the gag order. What moron believes he, or the attorney above who would be the one to review it, would allow a response that would put the bully in a negative light?

Is it any wonder that the women's movement has been so unsuccessful? Is it remotely curious that in 2015 we still have not been able to get the ERA passed?

We allow for those in our media culture to negate accusations of 40+ women who give undeniably similar stories about Bill Cosby raping them. We allow them to do so even though we have evidence of his having admitted under oath to drugging them beforehand. But we accept a noted celebrity, Whoopi Goldberg, condemning us for believing these women. We have a self-proclaimed feminist on MSNBC refusing to hear an accusation of rape in a desperate attempt to protect the reputation of the man accused, who we all know to be a bully.

Again, I remind my reader, (for whites) there are two laws in our country where it is absolutely justifiable, and maybe even expected, to first be skeptical or dismiss allegations and, in turn, accept that the victim is lying. Those two laws are, of course, rape and domestic violence. If our media can't be held accountable for offering us perspectives in the dismissal of women and their obvious subjugation in the most extreme cases, what type of society are we accepting?

This is where we are in our women's movement: We have a very serious chance of getting our first female President. All news outlets, including the one which is supposed to lean left, offer supposition for every rumor that comes up (they've been giving us rumors for over 20 years now, has no one yet determined they should vet their sources before reporting?), but when serious allegations come out about the rage and danger of a man who is running for the same office, those allegations are dismissed with obvious and extreme prejudice. And the discussion about the dangers of spousal rape are minimized in order to literally promote the character of a bully.

In short, I guess we are fucked. That's where we are. And the media refuses to see their complicity in that fact.

Dear Media: ABC I Have Snap Judgment for You and Whoopi Goldberg

Yeah? You know what Whoopi (and all producers of The View)? Your show is supposed to be a place for women to come together and hear perspectives of other women. Regardless of whether or not one identifies as a feminist, a community for women should certainly not be perpetuating patriarchy. Whoopi's comments and blind support of Cosby are so extreme and unsettling that its comparable to those in society who demand that President Obama is a Muslim terrorist because they haven't yet been given enough evidence to support the idea that he isn't. What evidence do you think you are going to get these many years later, Whoop? Do you think we might be able to find some DNA from a hotel room in 1967? Do you think the rapist has a video library someone might be able to dig up? Will you need 100 more women to come forward and give similar testimonies? I am disgusted by this blatant disregard for the rights of women and compel those who run The View to sincerely consider the voice you are sending to American women and the voices her big mouth has managed to already force off of the show because she is such a bully (ehem...Ive been paying attention and I am not the only one).

Whenever I have an opportunity to put someone in their place about 'supposed' domestic violence allegations, I gladly take it. I will always do the same for rape, too, Whoopi Goldberg. It is curious that these are the laws, both overwhelmingly perpetrated against women, which are acceptable to question the validity of. Just by questioning allegations, one not only negates the victim, her trauma and her safety, but also perpetuates the societal norm which implies that women aren't trustworthy and any violations against them will require extensive scrutiny whenever reported.

It pisses me off  whenever I have to deal with anyone who contends that we do not live in a patriarchal society. One literally has to forego reality to sincerely believe that. For nearly 100 years we have been unable to find 2/3 of states to ratify the ERA and one of our two major political parties is still working tirelessly to take our rights away as if our capacity to decide what to do with our bodies and how to manage our own families is just too much for us to be entrusted with.

In America it has always been acceptable, and even encouraged, to promote women as sexual objects, but at the same time it has always been absolutely unseemly and disgraceful for a woman to explore and express her own sexuality. Such was the case when Lisa Bonet, the actress who portrayed Bill Cosby character, Dr. Huxtable's daughter, Denise on The Cosby Show in the late 80s. I remember when he came out and publicly condemned her for having been in a movie called Angel Heart and doing a sex scene, but I wasn't old enough to see it in the theater at the time. I remember thinking it sounded like she made a porno by the way Cosby made it sound and was disappointed because she was my favorite of all of the Cosby kids as I identified with her free-spirit. I was too young to understand that I was in a patriarchal society, but Cosby wasn't, and neither was Whoopi Goldberg. That should've given her a clue about his ideas about women.

It is unbelievable to me that ABC is giving us a woman's voice that is willfully diminishing the place of women in our society instead of promoting us. ABC has had plenty of allegations of promoting contempt toward women in the past with lawsuits filed for discrimination in hiring and creating shows to display women as they 'truly' are: fighting over men and looking ridiculous on The Bachelor, back in the days of their understood and accepted subjugation on The Astronaut Wives Club and being backstabbing little minxes on Mistresses. Well done, ABC. Maybe you should just come out now and endorse every Regressive Party candidate running for any office anywhere. Its quite obvious your opinions of women coincide.

Domestic Violence Rates Have Gone Up. But Who Gives A Shit?

I will admit, I know nothing about boxing. I don't know the names when the big fights are coming up and I don't know their life stories. Honestly, if the Buckeyes aren't playing on Saturday, I could give a shit about sports. So after the big fight last month I read that the guy who won the fight, Floyd Mayweather, had been arrested or cited 7 times for domestic violence. I sat silent when I read that and went numb.

Eventually my eyes wandered back to the computer to read the rest of the story. My mind was racing. I hoped the article answered my biggest question, "How does someone commit 7 offenses and not have been sentenced to a lifetime in jail?" Of course, there is no answer. This is not shocking. This is our society. We have plenty of excuses for domestic violence. We have plenty of opportunities to dismiss allegations and blame the victim. Maybe she was asking for it? Why didn't she leave if he was so mean? She is lying so she can go after him for his money.

I literally ache when I see stories about abusers being offered opportunities to enter society without having been sentenced or even referred for intensive therapy. The fact is, no one gives a shit. And we proved it by celebrating a huge sporting event and excitedly waiting to see a man, who should be removed from our society for his violence, display profound violence. And we paid him $180 million to do it.

I was in an abusive relationship 23 years ago. He was a monster. When I finally got away from him I didn't date again for 17 years because I couldn't figure out what signs I had missed and didn't want to make the same mistakes again.

I don't like to ever think of myself as a victim because I have always been very independent and outspoken. I have always taken care of myself and have sincerely, and quite naively, never feared any person or situation. Because he was actually crazy, however, I didn't defend myself. I was pregnant when the abuse started and my desire to never make things worse, coupled with the understanding that his rage had no limits, was the only reason that I never tried to fight back. I doubt anyone who knew me just a few years earlier in high school would have imagined me ending up where I had. But there I was.

He was an absolute puzzle to me. I like to really try to understand people. I am very good at it. There was no understanding him, though. Nothing needed to set him off. He would switch from happy(ish) to violent with no warning. He controlled every aspect of my life. I wasn't allowed to answer the phone or the door. I was not allowed to have company. I was not allowed to go anywhere without him. He would not let me be alone in my home. If I went to the bathroom, he came with me. If I took a bath, he would sit on the toilet the entire time. My family and I became all but estranged. I now understand that all of these are common tactics for abusers. At the time, however, it was beyond my comprehension that a person could behave the way he did.

He liked to taunt me when he was going to hurt me. Sometimes he wouldn't end up hurting me because, I guess, the threat was enough fun for him. Asshole. He often used objects to hit me in the head. He said it didn't leave a mark. I'm sure it did, but my hair covered it. Dickhead. He dragged me through the apartment by my ponytail at 8 months pregnant. He chased me with a hammer. And the night before I had my daughter he actually broke her crib throwing me into it and then pummeled me so many times that my entire left side was bruised when I went to have her the next morning. Motherfucker.

The worst was a couple of weeks later, however. I was not listening to him. I was exhausted and wanted to take a nap. But I wasn't allowed to take a nap in the bedroom because he couldn't see me. I took the baby and went to bed anyway. He kept peeking around the door and making creepy voices to wake me up. I got pissed and told him to leave me alone. He tore into the room and jumped on top of me on the bed. The baby was sleeping in the crease of my armpit and he was on my belly. He put his hands around my throat and choked me. I could tell by his eyes that he wasn't going to stop. I kept trying to get him off of me but couldn't. I was thinking that there was no way I could leave my child alone in this world with him. I was desperate to get away. I needed to get him off of me. I noticed that the white ceiling beyond his head above me was turning blue. I knew that was it.

I woke up. Obviously. But I had no reason to believe that I would. With help, we were able to get away from him that next week. I found a police officer and asked him to take me back to my house and remove my boyfriend because he was abusive. He asked me whether or not my boyfriend lived there. I said that he did but assured him that only my name was on the lease. He asked me if he had lived there longer than 2 weeks. I said that he had and could not believe the direction it seemed this conversation was going. He then asked me if he had ever received a piece of mail at the apartment. I told him that he had. The officer finally told me that my apartment was his legal home and I did not have the right to remove him and make him homeless. He could only take him if he was arresting him. He asked if I had proof of the abuse. He noted that I was neither bruised nor bloody and then asked me if I had any witnesses. I looked at my witness, my 3 week old daughter, and thought, "This has to be a joke."

No joke. He followed me to my apartment and offered me an escort. He said I had 5 minutes to collect all of our things so that we could move out of my home. No shit! This was the law in 1992. And it was 4 days before Christmas. The officer told me that we could go to a homeless shelter if I wanted to and that I could press charges against my abuser in the morning. But, he assured me, without any evidence or witnesses he would not be charged. So, with that encouragement, I left the state.

Last year when the video of Ray Rice knocking his fiancée out was released, someone posted it on Facebook. A friend of mine commented that we had no idea what the woman had done to instigate the situation and suggested we wait until the whole story came out. I knew that people thought that way, but I was offended that someone I had called a friend would say something like that. It was like she betrayed all women. She betrayed me. I was pissed. I was sorry that typing in all caps was the best that I could do because I desperately wanted to get in her face and scream.

There are certainly women who are vicious. I accept that some women will lie for attention or to get back at a man. They exist. They are awful, spiteful people. But to go into any conversation about a woman being abused assuming that they may not have been? Or to look for an excuse and make her the instigator and, in turn, justify abuse? That is not only cruel, but its dangerous. You cannot hold every woman accountable for things that other women have done. You cannot ever allow yourself to believe there is causation beyond the abusers own violent intentions.

It is incredibly difficult for a woman to even come forward. There is often a lot of fear, shame, dependency and loneliness in the back of their minds that they have to come to terms with before they can even think about seeking help. No facet of society (and especially any member of the female half of it) can initially question the validity of an abuse declaration. The first instinct and action must be for their protection. The alternative is unthinkable.

I don't have a passive bone in my body. I am tough. I am smart. I am resourceful. I am strong. I am brave. I am responsible. I am independent. And I was abused.

It can happen to anyone. And it does. I am quick to point that out to people when they look for reasons to disbelieve a woman's accusations of abuse. No one knows what is going on in another persons home. My abuser was, quite literally, a sociopath. He could convince anyone that he was a good guy. It was fascinating to watch. The converse, however, was a nightmare to experience.

I have always had 5% of my check go to a domestic violence shelter called Choices. When I was leaving my abuser, the police didn't even tell me there was a shelter like that. They existed. It was a thing back then. I was told I could go to a homeless shelter. A place that really knew how to care for a woman in that situation would've been something I would have felt comfortable considering had it been explained to me. I was afraid and confused. I chose to leave my home and my belongings and leave the state. That was 1992. What is it like in 2015, I wonder? Are women treated more respectfully and given the support and options they need to move on in their lives?

Apparently, no.

[Recently] in one 24-hour period there were 18 calls per hour for help involving domestic violence in Missouri, reports the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV)" but that 47% of requests for shelter went unmet.

A survey of domestic violence programs in North Dakota found that 375 victims were served in one day last year, with 32 requests for help going unfulfilled because of funding and staff shortages.

In just one 24-hour period, local domestic violence programs across the country provided help and safety to 67,646 adults and children who were victims of domestic violence. Yet on the very same day, there were 10,871 requests that could not be met due to lack of funding.

How many times have you read or heard a headline "The recent [fill in the blank with irrelevant name] murder has reminded us of domestic violence issues." I always ask myself, "Who the fuck has forgotten?" Its society. Society manages to forget. Its the society that tells itself that it is not misogynistic. Its the society that tells itself that 'feminism' is a bad word. Its the society that tells itself that women already have equality and just need to move on. As long as society manages to exist with occasional reminders that women and children are living in terror in states which annually take funding from programs to help them, we have all forgotten. Collectively, as a society, we perpetuate these tragedies by inviting those to legislate who have absolutely no care for any lives that can't ensure their next reelection.

How do we stop this? How do we get enough Americans to pay attention and give a shit about who they are voting for? I have no idea. If I knew I would not be writing and bitching about those 'representatives' every day. But as long as they keep their positions, these numbers will continue to get worse every year. And apparently, in our society, that's just fine.